My Mom Left a Strict Clause in Her Inheritance. When My Brother Found Out, He Lost It.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My mom recently passed. All four of us kids have been left a nice inheritance. The problem arose when my mom left the six grandsons a life insurance policy.

She excluded my brother’s stepkids from this policy. We were instructed not to tell him, but he found out. He is extremely upset and feels if he had known before Mom passed, he could have changed her mind to include his stepkids. On a side note, my own stepkids were not included either, but my biological kids were. Only two of my sisters knew about this policy before Mom’s passing, and Mom told them this was the way she wanted it, nothing was going to change her mind. The problem is my brother has cut off all ties with us and feels that the grandkids who got the life insurance should share with his stepkids. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

—Many Problems

Dear Many Problems, 

Like most issues that come up with inheritance, this isn’t just about the money. It sounds like your brother is protective of his stepkids and feels slighted on their behalf. Have you shared with him that your own step-children didn’t inherit anything, either? If not, it might help your brother to hear this. You have no way of knowing what your mom’s reasoning was, so all you can do is be there for your brother and the rest of your family.

That said, I do wonder how everyone else in the family feels about sharing their inheritance. Based on your brother’s reaction, I’m guessing this isn’t an option. But if it is, there are tax implications to consider when splitting inheritance this way, and you should talk to a family lawyer.

At this point, though, it seems the only thing you can do is remind your brother that he and his kids are cared for and part of the family, even if he feels the inheritance doesn’t reflect that. Talk to your brother about how he feels and what this inheritance symbolizes to him. Remind him that everyone thinks of money differently. To your other siblings and your mother, money might be more transactional. To him, it might be symbolic of love and acceptance. It’s hard to say how he might be feeling right now, but all you can do is listen and reassure him that even if you see the finances of this matter differently, you love and accept him and his children. Grief is complicated, and issues like this can make it harder to navigate. The more you all stand by each other, the easier it will be to work through those tough feelings.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My nieces, “Abby” and “Bea,” are 21 and nearly 16. Abby is an academically gifted introvert. Bea is an athletic extrovert. Any parent would be proud of both girls, but my sister and brother-in-law were the cliche football player and cheerleader that peaked in high school. Both washed out of college and my brother-in-law “works” for his dad. When Bea started to demonstrate her gift for dance and gymnastics, all the attention fell on her. They went to every game, event, and competition, and even rented an RV to take Bea to out-state activities. Abby got the occasional pat on the head and a test on the fridge. They always deny any favoritism and justify it by saying Bea had more social events than Abby. In middle school, Abby got an honorable mention in a state-wide contest. It went on display at the state fair. Abby really wanted to go, but her parents were too busy with Bea to take her. I did.

I wish I had been more vocal in the past. But I got scolded to stay in my lane because I don’t have kids and you never critique a parent. Abby got a car as old as her when she left for college. She had to get a second job in order to pay for repairs (her parents said they didn’t have the money). Abby graduated college with honors this year. Bea turns 16 this summer. We had a family party to celebrate both girls, but it was really the Bea show. My brother-in-law announced that when Bea turned 16, they were going car shopping at the local car dealership, and he had been saving up “forever” for his little girl. Abby went upstairs, packed her bags, and left without a word to anyone. She is staying with friends and has blocked basically everything by everyone.

The only message she sent was, to paraphrase, that a dog kicked too many times would run and she was done living off scraps. I got into a huge fight with my brother-in-law and sister because they pretended to be clueless. Neither of them are talking to me. Bea is complaining about her sister ruining things with her dramatics. My question is: Do I say anything to Bea and if so, what? I don’t want Abby and Bea to be permanently estranged.

—Should Have Spoken Up

Dear Should Have Spoken Up,

It sounds like you’ve spoken up quite a bit, but your sister doesn’t want to hear it. Have you reached out to Abby directly? She’s probably feeling alone and neglected right now. At this point, it might be more helpful to put your efforts into emotionally supporting her rather than trying to persuade your sister and brother-in-law to change their ways.

Reach out to Abby and allow her to share her feelings with someone who will listen. She might be glad to hear that another adult thinks she’s not being dramatic about the situation—mention that you’ve noticed it, too, and you can see how she would be hurt. However, I would caution against offering this support in a way that might further the divide between Abby and her family. Focus less on why you think your sister and brother-in-law are failing in their parenting duties, and more on Abby and her accomplishments—and why those accomplishments are worth celebrating.

Having that initial conversation with Abby can help if/when you talk to Bea about what’s happening. That way, you can tell her how Abby actually feels, rather than simply sharing your own take on the conflict. Talk to Bea the same way you talk to Abby—hear her out and then tell her what her older sister is going through, which is likely feelings of inadequacy or neglect. Focusing on the feelings might help Bea see that this isn’t really about a car. It’s about her sister’s state of mind and her need to feel loved and celebrated for who she is. If you frame it this way, Bea will be better able to relate to her sister, and may be more sympathetic to the situation than her parents.

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Dear Pay Dirt, 

I’m in my early 30s and my partner is in his early 20s. He had zero financial literacy when he met me. Thankfully, he is a fast learner and has grown his savings. He has four years left of study and is working casually. I’m upskilling and studying, graduating at the end of the year while working casually. I’m looking for more work as well. But it’s unlikely I’ll be able to be the breadwinner for the next four years, as I have disabilities that make full-time income difficult. Our combined income is not enough to cover our very basic lifestyle (we use the 50/30/20 budget but I’m burning through my savings to cover health expenses). I’m worried our relationship will suffer because we are struggling financially during this cost of living crisis. Help!

—Struggling for the Next Four Years?

Dear Struggling,

No matter how you slice it, the next four years are going to be a grind while your partner hunkers down and finishes school. Either of you might have to take out loans, take on additional work, or make other tough decisions that could affect your future. Any of this can indeed put a strain on a relationship. When you’re worried about money, or you’re burnt out from school and work, it’s easy to become resentful of each other and lose sight of your partnership. The best thing you can do right now? Reduce uncertainty.

What’s the plan after you and your partner graduate? You already have a day-to-day budget, which is great, but you might benefit from a financial roadmap for the next several years. For example, if you can’t pay the bills, whose savings will you pull from to make ends meet? How will you replenish those savings down the road? And if those savings run out, will you have to go into debt (and who will be taking on the debt?) and, if so, how and when will you pay it off? Sit down and talk through all of these questions to draw a roadmap to navigate the next four years. Also, it sounds like you’ll be graduating sooner while your partner will be in school for a few years— how will you split expenses during this time? Can you agree on a certain percentage of the bills and expenses each person will pay? If things change down the road—let’s say your partner decides to take on a new job and you have more income—you can adjust accordingly. It doesn’t have to be rigid. But just like having an emergency fund can be a lifesaver in difficult times, so too can an emergency plan.

Knowing what to expect might not make the financial bumps any less, well, bumpier, but it’ll make your relationship a whole lot smoother. You won’t have those little surprises to contend with when times are already tough. When you have even a vague idea of what to expect, you’ll have more emotional and mental bandwidth to focus on keeping your partnership strong.

Dear Pay Dirt,

Recently, a project I was working on concluded, and I will be receiving a bonus for my work. I have an assistant who was key to the project’s success, but he is not going to be given a bonus. I asked to have some of my bonus given to him, and was told this was not allowed.

I’d like to just give him a personal check from me, but I’m hesitant for three reasons. First, the check would be for his excellent work, but I don’t have the ability to make payroll deductions, and I’m unsure about the legality of leaving those off. Second, I’m concerned about the company’s reaction if this becomes known since they clearly wouldn’t want me to do this if they knew I was going to. Third, I definitely don’t want it to come across as condescending to him. Am I worrying too much and should just scribble out a check, or are these real concerns?

—Problematic Payment?

Dear Problematic Payment,

Think twice before you write a check. Your concerns are real. And you also have to consider the tax implications of gifting (and receiving) a large sum of money.

At the same time, it’s respectful that you want to show your assistant you appreciate his hard work. There may be other ways to show your gratitude. For example, a few gift cards to his favorite stores or restaurants. (Of course, gift cards can also have tax implications so be sure to read up on what those are, as they can vary depending on the situation) Depending on your relationship, you might take him out for a nice dinner. Or just give him some extra time off if that’s a possibility. Aside from saying thank you for this immediate help, can you advocate for him to get a raise?

If nothing else, sending your assistant a sincere note of thanks and ensuring he has a good working environment will go a long way. Money pays the bills, but feeling valued and appreciated as an employee can make a big difference to how a person feels about their job.

—Kristin

Classic Prudie

My husband and I went into our marriage last year essentially on the same page about kids—he definitely wanted them (ideally three to four), and I was about 80 percent sure I did (ideally two of them). We’re in our early 30s. We did actively try for six months, but yesterday he told me he no longer wants to.