My Girlfriend Really, Really Doesn’t Like My Teens. Please Don’t Make Me Break Up With Her!

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years. This week, we’ve gathered some of our favorite letters from the past. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

Can I date someone who wants nothing to do with my kids?

I’ve had primary custody of my daughter (age 17) and son (16) for the past 15 years. They generally spend one week or weekend a month with their mother and the rest of their time with me. Their mother has been married multiple times (with multiple temporary stepsiblings for my kids), and whenever there was a new man in the picture, her eldest daughter (19) would often stay with me as well.

Dating with this custody arrangement has been a challenge. Women with kids often seemed in a rush to blend families when I wanted to keep them strictly separate until I was ready to be remarried. I dated a woman who had no children seriously for four years, but she eventually backed away from dealing with two to three stepkids and a difficult ex. Two years ago, I had a temporary work assignment in Miami, where I met and began dating my sister’s best friend from college. I spent the next six months flying back and forth from Kansas City, and we quickly fell in love. When she would come to visit, all my kids loved her. (Partly because she would spoil the girls with designer clothes and my son with expensive gaming systems.) When my work assignment ended, and I couldn’t travel anymore, my girlfriend (a consultant whose work takes her around the world) moved in with me.

There were challenges from the beginning. My girlfriend refused to make friends with the “pumpkin-spice moms” in suburban Kansas City, even though my daughter’s friend’s mothers often attempted to include her in activities. She didn’t understand why we couldn’t go out every weekend or on school nights. My kids are all good kids. But they are teenagers. They’re noisy, messy, and often inconsiderate. Three kids with three schedules means I’m constantly driving one of them somewhere, and I can’t drink on weekends because I need to be available if one of them needs to be picked up.

My girlfriend was miserable. She spent most of her time locked in the office working or crying in our bedroom. When she came out, I could see she was trying hard with my kids, but she was terrible at it! My son hated her demands to tidy up around the house, but they at least managed to bond over video games. My daughters now hate her—and it’s mutual. She says they are “selfish, spoiled little bitches” who don’t appreciate what I sacrifice for them, and “take after their mother.” This is harsh, though not entirely inaccurate … but you don’t say those things where kids can hear you! My daughters are also smart, have a ton of friends, and rarely get into trouble.

I told my girlfriend she needed to figure out how to get along with them or this wasn’t going to work out between us. She moved out the next day. But I missed her. She missed me. So instead of heading back to Miami, she bought a fancy loft in the arts district and agreed we’d see each other just once or twice a week until my younger daughter went to college. My girlfriend is perfectly happy with this arrangement and is back to being the undemanding, fun, amazing woman I fell in love with. My kids thought we had broken up, and now that they know we haven’t, my younger daughter is furious. She says I’m betraying them by being with someone who hates them, “just like Mom does.” (My older (step)daughter is focused on college and doesn’t care as much.) Am I betraying my children? I expect they will all stay close for college, so I’d like to at least be able to celebrate the holidays or see them on the weekends without drama. Was I wrong to make it my girlfriend’s responsibility as the adult to get along with my kids?

—In Love With the Wicked Stepmother

Dear ILWtWS,

I gotta admit, I spent a few minutes staring out into the void thinking about how I’d feel if my father’s girlfriend—with whom he is still entangled—called me a “selfish, spoiled little bitch,” and boy, it did not feel good. I’m 36. I don’t know how a punch like that would land at 16.

It sounds to me that your children have spent most of their lives without being a priority to their mother—including your stepdaughter, as it sounds like you’ve stood in the gap for both of her biological parents. That has, of course, affected both you and the kids in a major way. Your ex has been able to bounce from relationship to relationship with ease while you’ve been busy doing the heavy lifting alone. It’s truly unfair. You, too, deserve companionship.

Alas, the person that you chose is a damn complicated fit for the unique situation you’re in. You’ve got three (say it with your chest: “three”) children who have been largely rejected by their own mother, and who do you end up moving into the house? A woman who literally could not control her contempt for them enough to avoid referring to at least one of them as a “selfish, spoiled little bitch” while they were within earshot. And if that wasn’t triggering enough, they come to find out that when they thought you two had called it quits, you actually just hadn’t told them to their faces that you were still laid up with her.

I’m a single parent too, so I can certainly relate to the difficult business of trying to find someone whom you like, who likes you, who is also a good fit for your family, your lifestyle, your goals, etc. It’s hard as hell, and I can only imagine how it must feel watching your ex constantly partner and repartner at will, because she has the time, because you have the kids.

However, throughout this complicated journey, you have had choices and your children have had none. Unlike their mother, you have chosen to prioritize them up until this point in their lives, which is great. But looming college plans and legal adulthood doesn’t mean your children don’t need you to put them first anymore.

This woman said some really awful things about your kids, and you didn’t really dispute them, at least not in your letter. Do you think your children are selfish, spoiled bitches? If so, maybe that’s what you should be writing to us about, no? That seems like a huge issue to address, perhaps one that should be talked out with a professional.

You weren’t wrong to expect her, as an adult, to put forth an effort to get along with your children and, when said effort failed, to not resort to name calling. She does not have to like or want children, but if she is going to date a man who has them, she has to be able to treat them well. If they mistreated her, you should have addressed it. Acting like the kids don’t exist when you’re together ain’t gonna cut it.

If you don’t think that your children are selfish, spoiled bitches, is it that they have acted out of character with your girlfriend and mistreated her in some significant way? Or is she having an outsize reaction to standard-issue teenage shenanigans? I can’t tell clearly from your letter, but either way, there’s going to have to be some significant work done to heal your family—even if your girlfriend drops out the picture tomorrow.

I can’t overstate how messed up it is that these kids, particularly your daughters, have a crappy, selfish mom, and then find themselves sharing a home with a woman who is equally disinterested in caring for them. Can you date someone who wants nothing to do with your kids? Casually, absolutely. But if you’re talking about sharing your life with someone, you can’t ignore the fact that your life includes your children—and they won’t stop being a part of your life just because they’ll be moving out soon.

I can’t tell you to hold out for someone who loves kids, specifically yours. But I will say that being a father is one of the best and biggest parts of who you are as a person. Do you think the great love of your life is one that requires you to take off such a treasured hat at the door? Doesn’t sound like a great fit to me, but I’m wishing you lots of happiness no matter what.—Jamilah Lemieux

From: “Can I Date Someone Who Wants Nothing to Do With My Kids?” (Sept. 16, 2020)

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have been trying for a second child since the end of 2018. We were just about to call a fertility specialist at the end of last year when I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately, in January of 2020, at 10 weeks along, I had a miscarriage. Because my husband and I are under 35, we were told to wait another year and keep trying on our own before seeing a fertility specialist, so the plan is to have a visit in March 2021. Overall, my family has been incredibly supportive, but my mom often puts her foot in her mouth, which makes it difficult to talk to her.

For context, I’m an RN with several years of experience and work closely with my health care providers if I need things addressed. My doctor told me I’m at a healthy weight, and my husband and I have a fairly healthy diet. I work out three or four days a week for 20–45 minutes at a time, and have never experienced an injury related to working out. My mom has always been slightly overweight (which she often pins on her long-ago pregnancies with me and my siblings) and frequently finds excuses not to eat well or exercise.

When I first told my mom about the miscarriage last January, she sympathized, but then asked, “Were you working out too much?” I explained that most of the time a miscarriage is caused by a genetic anomaly, and there was nothing I did that could have precipitated it. Just a few weeks ago, I told her that we’re still not having any luck, and how tough that is, and she said she was concerned that “maybe you’re underweight—there’s a lot of articles out there that show that this can be a problem.” I bluntly told her it’s not my weight that’s the problem and changed the subject. I want to have a close relationship with her—I want to be able to talk to her about anything and everything!—but this sort of conversation is very frustrating. I think she’s trying to relate to me by doing internet research, but I can’t understand why she’s fixated on my weight as a cause for my possible infertility. How can I talk to her about this in a productive way? Should I even try? At this point, I kind of just want to give up and just keep things superficial when I talk to her.

—Not Underweight!

Dear NU,

I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. And I understand that right now your desire to become pregnant again is the main thing on your mind, but surely there is a middle ground between talking to your mother about this—a subject that you have learned is not a productive one for the two of you—and a superficial relationship with her.

Sometimes even the people we feel closest to fail us, often for reasons that have nothing to do with us; sometimes people who love us not only cannot offer us what we need at a particular moment but say or do precisely the wrong thing. It sounds like this subject has become a sort of hot spot for the two of you (and I have the distinct feeling that this conflict is not new, that it’s dredging up some old tension between the two of you around bodies and weight). Look, there’s no shame in keeping a relationship superficial if that’s the only way it’s going to work for you in order to keep someone in your life—but since you want so much to be close to your mother, can’t you just call this one subject off limits? The truth is it’s perfectly normal, as one gets older, not to tell one’s mom “anything and everything.” This can be a strange shift for those who’ve had the sort of tell-all relationship with a parent that you’ve had, and I understand that you might feel that by withholding anything at all you are somehow letting your mom down, but really … in this case, “Yeah, Mom, we did it again last night, and I really think it worked this time” is something that’s completely and reasonably acceptable to keep to yourself.

Don’t talk to her about your effort to become pregnant. When you are pregnant, you can tell her the good news. Meanwhile, there are plenty of other topics that are far from superficial ones. (And if she asks you how things are going fertility-wise, a cheerful “No news yet!” is sufficient. If she says, “Aha! That’s because you’re too skinny!” I would just as blithely say, “Oh, Mom, that’s just silly. Now, about that arrogant doctor I finally told off at work last week—you wouldn’t believe what happened yesterday … ”)—Michelle Herman

From: “My Mom Keeps Blaming My Miscarriage on My Weight” (Dec. 27, 2020) 

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I are both in the final year of completing doctoral degrees, and we plan to have a baby as soon as we graduate. We discuss this often, and it has been our plan for years. Last year, we decided that we didn’t want to wait any longer, so we got a puppy. I know, I know, a puppy is not the same as having a baby, but we both thought it would bring a lot of joy to our lives while giving us a feel for what it’s like to take care of another being (neither of us has ever had pets or been around babies). Our puppy is now 8 months old and thriving. My husband loves taking care of him, playing with him, training him, taking him to the dog park, etc.

On the other hand, the puppy is a major cause of stress and anxiety to me. I try to smile and act upbeat when it’s my turn to take him outside or when he wants to play, but I honestly do not enjoy it. I am fortunate that my husband has done most of the training because I do not have the patience for it. I do love the puppy and feel a strong bond with him, but I would rather have the time to myself. Is this a red flag that I should reconsider having kids?

—No Puppy Love

Dear NPL,

I wouldn’t assume that your challenges with the dog suggest that you should reconsider kids, so much that they may make it clear that this period in your life is too stressful to add on new significant responsibilities. You’re in the last leg of a busy, likely difficult academic journey, and it may have been a better idea to wait until after graduation to bring in a new member of the family, human or otherwise. Consider that you may need a little more time between the completion of your studies and the birth of a baby than you’d anticipated. I’m not suggesting that you push the process of trying to have a child back by years, but that you give yourself adequate time to rest, recharge, and adjust to life after a doctoral program before introducing pregnancy or adoption into the mix right away.

As for the pup, were you actively part of the adoption/purchasing process, or did your husband bring home the dog of his choosing? It very well may be the case that this dog just isn’t the dog for you. I’m not suggesting that you rehome him, but it’s OK to find that you aren’t bonding with your new pet in the exact way you’d hoped or that you’re just overwhelmed by the work of caring for him on top of your course load. It sounds like he’s getting plenty of love from your husband and hopefully, he’ll become easier to manage over time. Be honest with your partner about the stress and anxiety that the dog is causing, and consider ways that you may be able to swap some responsibilities and get additional time alone (such as making a solo grocery and pet store run while your husband walks and cleans the pup). Good luck! .—Jamilah Lemieux

From: “We Got a Dog as Training Wheels for a Baby, and I Don’t Like Caring for It” (June 10, 2020) 

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a stay-at-home mom, and my husband works outside the home. We have three kids and obviously we all sometimes get sick. However, for some reason (*cough* I wash my hands and he doesn’t *cough*) I usually seem to get a much milder case of whatever bug we’re all dealing with than my husband, or sometimes don’t get it at all, leaving me to care for sick kids without any help. I know I should be grateful that I don’t usually get as sick, but being under the weather and nursing sick babies while my husband sleeps all day is hard. I usually end up completely run down, exhausted, and sometimes even depressed.

Recently, we all got the flu, and this time I did get it pretty bad. My husband was still recovering, and the baby was still sick so my mom had to come stay with us for a while … and then she got it. My husband and I talked after we were all healthy about how we could better handle a house full of sick people and, uncharacteristically, we didn’t come to a great resolution. I’m tired of not being able to get significant rest time when I’m ill and being on my own with sick kids, so I think we should rely on help from family more and also that my husband should accept that being sick as a parent isn’t the same as being sick without kids. I asked him to really consider what help he could offer me while he’s sick and volunteer it more. I also admitted that I should do a better job of asking him to work from home occasionally when I need to recover from being sick. He agreed on the last point but didn’t accept either of the first two: He thinks it’s out of line to ask family to come help us and get sick themselves and isn’t willing to commit himself to doing more when he is sick. We’re all healthy now but I’m sure the next virus is just around the corner, so who is right? How do you fairly split the work when everyone doesn’t feel good?

—We’re Not at Our Best

Dear WNaOB,

I am always thrilled to hear anyone is out there, washing their hands, which is one of the best forms of preventive “medicine” we have. This may indeed help account for the times you manage to avoid the bug entirely but can have no possible relationship to the times you just have milder symptoms than your less fortunate family members..

Every illness is different. So is what “doing more” can mean. I’m glad you are on the same page about him working from home more frequently while you are recovering; I am not sure why it hinges on you asking as opposed to him making the decision based on the situation, but if that’s what it takes, fine.

On the family question, I’m torn. I would not ask an older relative to risk the seasonal flu, if at all possible. For minor bugs, if you are extremely honest that you are floundering and need a second pair of hands and that those hands may wind up catching whatever illness the family has, people can make their own informed decision about helping.

Sometimes everyone is sick at once. One of the worst parts of being a parent is not being able to retreat to the couch with a Gatorade, regardless of how terrible you feel, because a child needs you to hold their hair back or heat up some soup. It’s a good time to rely on food delivery for a short period (if anyone actually feels like eating), and I recommend having basic sickness prep ready to roll (children’s cold medicine to bring down fevers and help with sleep, Pedialyte, extra mattress protectors under extra fresh sheets so you can just yank off the soiled top set and have a pre-made bed ready to…